I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
