I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
