At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
