My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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