Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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