So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
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No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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