but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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