her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
