Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
