I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
