clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
