Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
