Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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