I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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