why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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