the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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