You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
