I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
