Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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