forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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