and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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