I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
