Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
