I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
