i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
