Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
