I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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