i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
