it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
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I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
ok first of all what the fuck
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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