I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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