I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I want you more than these girls want KFC
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
