....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
