Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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