I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
