Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
