i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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