He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
