my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
