So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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