I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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