Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
