I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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