Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
