I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
