If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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