Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
