She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Let's get the cat blown out
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
