toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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