Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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