so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
