Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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