Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
we're chasing vodka with high fives
one might say we're banned from that church
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
