I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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