She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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