you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
