I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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